Mindfulness in a Gay Relationship

by Rev. Robert Warren Cromey

While we get so busy sometimes raising our children, we forget to take some time for just the two of us. This is a very important thing in relationships and oftentimes gets over looked by busy people struggling with just trying to be good parents. One key to being present in your relationship with your significant other is mindfulness.

Mindfulness is paying attention: focusing on each other in the relationship you are developing. Are there socks all over the house? Are there hairpins in the sink? You notice new and funny but also annoying things about each other. These little things are important; they need to be addressed in a kind and gentle way so they do not become causes for storms later. Paying attention to each other on a regular and daily basis can help avoid major upsets.

Couple on the Couch

Mindfulness. It means looking at each other, meditating on your partner’s face, body, eyes, hair, torso, genitals, hands and the whole body. Look at your partner really carefully without speaking. Listen to your partner’s voice, the highs, lows, squeaks and growls. Look at your partner’s clothes, colors, styles, and shapes; notice how they make his or her body look. Be aware how your partner eats and drinks, bathes, showers and makes love. Focus on this person you love. You will take her for granted sometimes. You will not pay attention to him sometimes. This is the way it is in relationships. But being mindful can restore love and intimacy.

The best preparation for being mindful of your partner is to be mindful of yourself. How well do you know yourself? Be aware of your appearance, what your body looks like, your hair, face, neck, chest, hips, bottom, genitals, thighs, legs, ankles feet, toes. Do you like what you see? Are there parts you want to change? Tummy too round, shoulders stooped, finger and toenails dirty and unpared? Are you aware of your body and how it feels and looks? Women usually pay more attention to their physical appearance than men.

If you don’t feel good about yourself in general, you may not pay attention to your body and how it looks and feels. People with a poor self-image may not stand up straight, sit firmly; they may slouch and wish not to be seen; they hide. How you dress may reflect how you feel about yourself. “Know thy self” and ‘to thine own self be true” are bromides that are quite true. As you know yourself and feel good about yourself, you are in better shape to relate to another person, another self.

AGREEMENTS are very important to help keep you both mindful of all aspects of your marriage. To have your relationship work, you must make some agreements with each other about how you will relate and live together. For example, you can make an agreement about privacy. Tell each other the details of how you want to be alone sometimes. Privacy should not be a secret, privacy is an agreed upon way of having time to yourself; using the bathroom, going for a walk, reading a book, and asking your partner not to read your diary without permission. Agreements help clarify your wishes and desires, and enlist your partner in helping achieve them. Your partner should also be clear about his or her own needs for privacy.

You may make a vow to be faithful to each other. That is an agreement that you will not be sexual with any other person. You need to discuss that being sexual means fantasizing, flirting, kissing, petting and having intercourse. What boundaries do you wish to make for yourself and with each other? You should agree to talk with your partner if you do become attracted to another person.

Couples should make agreements about money, about how it is earned and about each can spend without the other’s consent. For instance, you may agree that neither of you will spend more than $500 without consulting your partner. Be clear about you want and need to be financially comfortable and to that end making a budget.

You may want to make agreements about what kind of sex you like and do not like. Not everyone likes oral or anal sexual activity; some love it. Have a frank discussion about it and agree about what you want to have happen sexually. Agreements can be changed but only with the consent of both parties.

There are a whole host of “things” being in relationship brings with it. Pay attention to your needs as well as your partner’s and always remember to TALK things out. Not talking leads to fear, mistrust and resentment and those are always things a relationship can always be much better without.

Always try to be respectful of your partner’s feelings, even though it might be something that doesn’t matter much to you. The important thing is that is important to them! Being mindful is taking all those idiosyncrasies into consideration and trying to honor your partner’s feelings.

Be a strong and honest person and ultimately, your relationship will be stronger and healthier for it.

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