Keeping Abreast: Designer Babies

by Katrina Fox

So a couple of queens from Melbourne, Australia went to the US and allegedly spent around $130,000 to buy “designer twin boys”, according to various media reports. Apparently Brian Sheldon and Matthew Shaffer are one of several gay couples taking advantage of California’s liberal IVF laws. Prospective parents with enough cash can choose the sex of their baby, as well as specify a number of physical characteristics and the education level of egg donors. The Australian Family Association has complained that the move is nothing short of ‘trafficking in children’ while the gay dads have defended their right to start a family.

Test Tubes

Should queer couples have the right to buy made-to-order babies? Well, hell yeah – provided they adhere to strict guidelines. Only egg donors with the fashion sense of Björk, musical inclinations of Liza Minnelli and politics of Peter Tatchell should be considered. It goes without saying that they should be vegan (or at the very least, vegetarian), outspoken, passionate, no-nonsense sort of chicks, preferably with some kind of creative body art. A penchant for mind-expanding recreational drugs without the addictive personality is an optional but definite bonus. Radical free-thinkers who believe conformity is one of the roots of all evil get a big tick, while any donor exhibiting even the slightest sign of mediocrity or normalcy should be avoided at all costs.

Well someone has to start a revolution, so it might as well be the queers. Forget all this ‘we’re just like everyone else’ crap. They don’t want us to get married and have babies, so if you’re intent on doing it, do it with style. Stand out, be different, be defiant. Refuse to bring another boring brat into the world who’ll end up as a ‘suit’ in middle-management for some pharmaceutical giant or oil company, afraid to speak out against the destruction of the planet or the oppression of minority groups in case it compromises their career or cosy suburban lifestyle. Aim higher – do your utmost to produce a little Leigh Bowery or Emma Goldman. The world needs more Lydia Lunches and Boy Georges. It’s time for GLBTIQs who want kids to step up and turn the concept of family and child-rearing on its head. We need an army of freaks – proud, individual, ethical and of course totally fabulous human beings to hand this crazy world over to in the hope they’ll rediscover and implement the concepts of democracy and equality for all.

All well and good, you may say, but not everyone can afford $130,000 on high-tech reproductive systems. Fear not, a solution is at hand for the financially challenged: Ebaby. Visit to bid for a kid online. Choose from a large range of bubs including Smelly Babies, Automotive Babies, Sporty Babies or Babies That Sew. Celebrity Clone Babies are available for the shallower queer, while Satanic Babies are suited to those drawn to the dark. My personal favorite is the Bio-Engineered Government Destruction Machine Babies.

Now that’s what I call progress.

© Katrina Fox, All Rights Reserved

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